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A geezer sees a sign in front of a house in Luton:
“Talking Dog for Sale.”He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back
garden.The bloke goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting
there.“You talk?” he asks.
“Sure do.” the dog replies.
“So, what’s your story?”
The dog looks up and says, “Well, I discovered my gift of talking
pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told MI5 about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.”“The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting
any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near
suspicious characters and listening in.”“I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded loads of
medals. Had a wife, a few puppies, and now I’m just retired.”The geezer is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants
for the dog.The owner says, “Ten quid.”
The bloke says, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him
so cheap?”“Cause he’s a fu**ing liar. He’s never done any of that stuff”
dave wrote:Made me snigger anyway
Subject: God bless the kiwis
50,000 Kiwis meet in Eden Park for a “Kiwis Are Not Stupid”Convention.
Helen Clark says, “We are all here today to prove to the world thet Kiwis are not stupid”.
“Ken I hev a volunteer.”
Carlos Spencer gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
Helen asks him, “What uz fufteen plus fufteen?”
After fufteen or 20 seconds Carlos says, “Eighteen!”
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed.
Then all 50,000 Kiwis start chanting,
“GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!”
Helen says, “Well sunce we’ve gone to the trouble of gitting 50,000 of you un one place end we have
the world wide priss end global broadcast media here, I thunk we ken guv hum another chance.”
So she asks, “What uz sivven plus sivven?”
After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, “Ninety!”
Helen is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh – everyone is disheartened.
Carlos starts crying and the 50,000 Kiwis begin to yell and wave their hands shouting,
“GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!”
Helen, unsure whether or not she is doing more harm than damage, eventually says,
“Ok! Ok! Just one more chance…What uz two plus two?”
Carlos closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says,
“Four!”
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 50,000 Kiwis
jump to their feet, wave their arms, stamp their feet and scream…
“GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!”Re: A Joke I Received Earlier
Wanda’s dishwasher stopped working so she called an engineer. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the engineer, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. If you fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the worktop, and I’ll post you a cheque.”
“Oh, by the way don’t worry about my bulldog. He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!” “I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!”
When the engineer arrived at Wanda’s house the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the engineer go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the engineer couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled,
“SHUT UP, you stupid, ugly bird!” To which the parrot replied, “Get him, Spike!” 😆
Re: A Joke I Received Earlier
:rotl:
Fantastic!
It reminds of a job I did, where the parrot was constantly teasing the cat. It would say ‘Here puss puss puss’ in the owners voice. Then when the cat came over close enough it would get bit.
Twas very funny, if you have a black sence of humour like me.
Re: A Joke I Received Earlier
Again talking of parrots;
I used to do a regular call on a 95 in Islington. First time there I was working away when there was an almighty SCREECH :eeek: .
Damn near s**t myself.
They hadn’t bother to tell me this customer had a cockatoo (or was it just a rumour) in a cage near the washer.
I made damn sure it was out of the room next time I worked there.
T C
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