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My little story, but of course I have more to add now đ
K.
Once upon a timeâŚ
In a land not so very far away, well the middle of the land actually, in a smelly town there was an evil overlord called Grumpy Arse that controlled almost all the fixers in the land. Now this guy was a bit of tyrant if the truth be told and had his dirty little fingers in many a dirty little pie, but the kingâs court wouldnât have liked that so he kept that all quiet.
Well, one day he found out that all the fixers were plotting and scheming against his subversive plans and he didnât like that, a lot.
So the first one that was sending out letters and co-ordinating the discontent in the land was made an example of and the overlord sacked him! But that didnât work because the fixer still had things to fix and mend them he did. It turned out that he and a couple of other fixers found that they were much better off without the overlord and they lived a happier life for the most part and didnât have to pay the overlordâs very high taxes any more.
But still there was discontent all over the land amongst the fixers.
So he jumped into his flash silver cart with its go-faster spoilers and headed around the lands near and far to visit them all. The girls giggled as he left the courtyard for the cart was silver and a funny shape, many remarked that it was a cart fit only for a hair cutter but none would dare say that to old Grumpy Arse!
As he travelled up the main highways into the hinterlands that were unknown to him he realised that there were not enough horse on the cart and cursed going for form over function, but decided that he had made the right choice because he thought it looked good.
So he travelled and travelled and finally came to one of the fixers.
âEyup chuckâ greeted the fixer to the overlord.
âYou will do as I tell you to do and be grateful for the pittance we pay you! If we want to take more money off you then so be it, just shut up and get on with the job, Iâll have no arguments from the likes of you scum.â He informed the fixer. âYou are a mere peasant that will do as I bid you to do!â
âWe shall ban you from working for any other overlord and you may not fix things that I do not tell you to fixâ continued Grumpy Arse, âand should you not comply with my wishes and perverse desires you shall be stricken down by the kingâs courtâ
The fixer just nodded and said, âokay Grumpy Arse, whateverâ whilst thinking on a plot to usurp the grumpy pathetic overlord. Of course the fixer was not at all happy with this attitude and had decided to exact some revenge on the overlord.
So the overlord left in his gay cart and went onto the next fixer on his list, unbeknownst to the overlord though the first fixer had already sent word by courier to the next fixer of the overlordâs schemes and his attitude so the next fixer was ready as well for Grump Arseâs aural assault on common sense.
After travelling all through the known lands and bits that were not so known the overlord arrived back at smelly town only to have a copy of a letter on his desk. One of his trusty spies, well a traitor to the fixers actually, had intercepted a courier and passed the letter on to the overlord. But oh dear, the traitor didnât realise that he had been more or less setup by the fixers and that they now knew he was a ratbag of the highest order. Not only that the letter only served to provoke the overlord into being even more silly than he had already been.
So the overlord decided to set an example or two and set about getting the kingâs court to pursue the fixer that wrote the letter.
Now many of the fixers lost faith in the overlord and his ways at this point and decided that they too were better off without the overlordâs offerings and they decided not to work for the overlord anymore as well. Many were far happier and they went to work for other overlords all over the land that were far more reasonable and balanced than Grumpy Arse, in fact, many thought that Grumpy Arse had actually gone insane and lost the plot altogether. But Grumpy Arse was only trying to protect his salary which was far, far greater than any fixer in the land and his fancy cart that drew laughs from all the girls.
The mistake that Grumpy Arse had made was that he thought he could bully the fixers, but the fixers had other ideas and he lost all credibility with not only the fixers of the land but also with all the other overlords who now thought that âArseâ was indeed an apt name for Grumpy Arse. However, in many circles he was known in far worse terms but those are unrepeatable in a PG story!
So what happened to Grumpy Arse then?
Well that is a story for another day, but rest assured that Grumpy Arse will still be grumpy and the fixers will fight the good fight and triumph in the end. But maybe someday Iâll tell the tale of how it all ended.
NOTE:
This story is a work of entirely fiction and fictional characters and resemblance to actual places, people and events is purely coincidental.
You should have started that with, “Are we all sitting comforatably? then I’ll begin”.
Perhaps Mr Grumpy Arse will seek new employment with the keeper of the Castle with a drawbridge in Wednesbury. Those 2 are well suited.
I’m dying to know, what happened to the old tart that was sent out as a spy? I assume she is now sniffing luggage at an airport somewhere?
As well as spending a lot of time working on this site, you must spend a lot of time reading to the kids. Must say it did bring a smile to my face.
It would appear that Grumpy Arse bequested of Ample Breast she attend the Great East Feast in order to steal some information to aid his oppression of the fixers. Unbeknown to Grumpy, Ample had partaken of vast quantities of ale and became very intoxicated, which marred her judgement verily. Ample was then seen to be swaying to and from the fixers on return to the Inn. Many fixers would not engage with Ample, knowing of her plight, except one intoxicated fixer who wooed Ample with more ale, which eventually lead to a coupling of the fixer and Ample.
Grumpy was alleged to have been most annoyed with Ample on her return to Smelly Town with no more than a sore head, and owing the serving wenches at The Inn much money that Grumpy could not afford………………….
Re: Ted Won’t Let Me Post It!
Part 2 – A Rough Draft (Needs Work Yet)
Twas a dark day in Smelly Town after the fixerâs revolt had taken place. Old Grumpy Arse had fled in disgrace leaving behind his new German cart after being found out that he was creaming some of the taxes from the council for which he worked. Some of his fellow number had also fallen into disgrace and had been cast aside to suffer their individual fate.
Due to the fixer revolt Grumpy Co. had lost a major bit of work, it moved on to another overlord that appeared to be far kinder and fairer to the fixers, so the fixers were happier in their lives for the time being.
Of course the demise of Grumpy Arse had not been without damage to this overlordâs overall business with the fixers, leaving them mortally wounded in terms of something to do as well as their reputation with all the other overlords being less than good. But they had a plan! A plan to turn it all around and restore their place with in the kingdom as a force to be reckoned with and not to be (PG remember ;)) with. So the Co. got a new overlord, which seemed a bit of a departure from the old one and she inherited the problems created by Grumpy Arse.
This new overlord decided that the best way to win the fixers back to their cause was to win their hearts and minds through propaganda and spin. What she hadnât counted upon was that all the fixers were now wise to many of these tactics and she made mistakes at first, these were quickly pounced upon by some of the fixers for what they were, rubbish. The fixers still didnât trust the overlord and they would not work under the conditions on offer as they had now had a taste of freedom.
Meanwhile Grumpy Arse was called before a court of peers but failed to show up on the grounds that he was unwell, rumours ran rife that he was a big scaredycat and had fiddled countless thousands of gold coins on frivolous things over a long time. Not least was little holidays that he had been on and wining and dining people, but not the fixers who made it all possible. After all, if it wasnât for the fixers where would Grumpy Arse have been?
So now the new overlord, politely called Dragonâs Breath in some circles, had been tasked with undoing the damage done by Grumpy Arse, no small task a challenge well worthy of a true disciple to the cause.
So after the first failed attempt at winning through subversion Dragonâs Breath went on to attempt to bribe some. She did this by offering many gold coins to the Fixers Council leaders in return for little services. But regardless of how you slice it, it was a bribe and some even took it thinking that they were doing good and showing forgiveness, but were they doing the other fixers any good we wonder?
But of course there wasnât enough gold coins in the coffers to apply everyone a bribe, so another ploy had to be sought to get all the fixers backâŚ
So Dragonâs Breath teamed up with one of the âGreat Makersâ this one was known as Eye-tie for some strange reason. Now Eye-tie had a reputation as a terrible maker to fix for but he had stuffed the fixers so much that they were sick of him and shunned his very presence, often even refusing to look at the makers machines at all, let alone fix them.
But Eye-tie and Dragonâs Breath were a match made in heaven, or hell, depends on your point of view in all this. And so an alliance was forged in this land between the two⌠but all was not well!
Eye-tie in this land had not sought permission from the Board to ally themselves with Dragonâs Breath and the Board had rather a lot to say about it, mostly âNOâ! So they despatched their own envoy from a land far, far away who put an end to the alliance and, therefore, an end to Dragonâs Breathâs sneaky plans to get the fixers back.I don’t have the time, I do however have a very warped mind that’s full of crap you really don’t wanna know about! đ
I always think it’s nice to revisit things you may have let slip from the mind every now and again and re-examine them, sometimes it works and sometimes it don’t.
I am working on this though, more to follow. đ
K.
Re: Ted Won’t Let Me Post It!
And follow it shall, version 2……………….
Our first fixer in the story was promoted not long after the events took place to a âSirâ and so became known as âSir Gobb Chiteâ and he was a champion for the fixers across the land, facing many obstacles, perilous journeys and evil overlords on his path. He also had suffer greatly to help others, heroes eh, whoâd be one I ask you? I mean the job description isnât exactly great, long hours, sacrifice for others, little recognition and a whole load of hassles as well as all the petty squabbling to deal with.Anyway, on with the rest of the storyâŚ
Twas a dark day in Smelly Town after the fixerâs revolt had taken place. Old Grumpy Arse had fled in disgrace leaving behind his new German cart after being found out that he was creaming some of the taxes from the council for which he worked. Some of his fellow number had also fallen into disgrace and had been cast aside to suffer their individual fate.
Due to the fixer revolt Grumpy Co. had lost a major bit of work, it moved on to another overlord that appeared to be far kinder and fairer to the fixers, so the fixers were happier in their lives for the time being, being connected with the new overlord.However, many fixers had still suffered great loss and pain through the despicable actions of Grumpy Arse and were not prepared to continue working for that fiefdom whatever was on offer.
Of course the demise of Grumpy Arse had not been without damage to this overlordâs overall business with the fixers, leaving them mortally wounded in terms of something to do as well as their reputation with all the other overlords and great makers being less than good. But they had a plan! A plan to turn it all around and restore their place with in the kingdom as a force to be reckoned with and not to be (PG remember ;)) with. So the fiefdom got a new overlord, which seemed a bit of a departure from the old one and she inherited the problems created by Grumpy Arse.
This new overlord decided that the best way to win the fixers back to their cause was to win their hearts and minds through propaganda and spin. What she hadnât counted upon was that all the fixers were now wise to many of these tactics and she made mistakes at first, these were quickly pounced upon by some of the fixers for what they were, rubbish. The fixers still didnât trust the overlord and they would not work under the conditions on offer as they had now had a taste of freedom.
But as well as this, Dragonâs Breath started to woo the leading members of the Fixerâs Council with tempting offers of repair nirvana making them pant at the thought of what was on offer.
Meanwhile Grumpy Arse was called before a court of peers but failed to show up on the grounds that he was unwell, rumours ran rife that he was a big scaredycat and had fiddled countless hundreds of thousands of gold coins on frivolous things over a long time. Not least was little holidays that he had been on and wining and dining people, but not the fixers who made it all possible. After all, if it wasnât for the fixers where would Grumpy Arse have been?
So now the new overlord, politely called Dragonâs Breath in some circles, had been tasked with undoing the damage done by Grumpy Arse, no small task a challenge well worthy of a true disciple to the cause.So after the first failed attempt at winning through subversion Dragonâs Breath went on to attempt to bribe some. She did this by offering many gold coins to the Fixers Council leaders in return for little services. But regardless of how you slice it, it was a bribe and some even took it thinking that they were doing good and showing forgiveness, but were they doing the other fixers any good we wonder?
But of course there wasnât enough gold coins in the coffers to apply everyone a bribe and only the select few had been offered this, so another ploy had to be sought to get all the fixers backâŚ
So Dragonâs Breath teamed up with one of the âGreat Makersâ this one was known as Eye-tie for some strange reason. Now Eye-tie had a reputation as a terrible maker to fix for but he had stuffed the fixers so much that they were sick of him and shunned his very presence, often even refusing to look at the makers machines at all, let alone fix them.
But Eye-tie and Dragonâs Breath were a match made in heaven, or hell, depends on your point of view in all this. And so an alliance was forged in this land between the two⌠but all was not well!Eye-tie in this land had not sought permission from the Board to ally themselves with Dragonâs Breath and the Board had rather a lot to say about it, mostly âNOâ! So they despatched their own envoy from a land far, far away who put an end to the alliance and, therefore, an end to Dragonâs Breathâs sneaky plans to get the fixers back. Of course this was a big slap in the face for Dragonâs Breath and she had to start conjuring up another plan and quickly.
Of course whilst all this is going on some of the fixers still had unpaid debts from Dragon Breathâs fiefdom and they were not at all pleased with the situation, some even had unpaid debt from Eye-tie as well. Iâm sure you can imagine that these fixers, left with the burden of unpaid debts and not offered any bribes were less than happy. Some of the more enlightened fixers saw the dangers in this situation and that it could split the Fixers Council and cause great rifts amongst the Fixers but they chose to remain silent and let it all pan out.
Of course this is exactly the situation that Dragonâs Breath and her kind wish to see as it suits them to have the fixers all not talking, in fighting and at their mercy. Of course all this is possible by a simple bribeâŚ
Of course many a similar tale has been told by many before through the passages of time and oft the moral has been âall that glitters is not goldâ, slowly the fixers have all come to realise this, albeit too late for many that have perished over time, but finally a new dawning is there for all the fixers to see.
As for Dragonâs Breath, well thereâs always breath freshener!
Work out the moral of this story.
Re: Ted Won’t Let Me Post It!
Roald Dahl. Eat your heart out.
A cross between: Black Adder 2, Lord of the Rings, Shrek, Monty Pythons Holy Grail and anything you can bring in from the 14th Century.
You should now consider taking on J.K. Rowling. It has been said before, your talents are wasted Ken. Bloody Brilliant.
Alex
Re: Ted Won’t Let Me Post It!
Well Kev phoned me last night just as he finished readin the first version and the conversation ran…
KH “The tears are streaming down me face laughing at that”
KW “It’s not THAT funny fer fuck’s sake”
KH “You can’t call Merloni “Eye-tie””
KW “Why not?”
KH “It’s too fucking funny, that’s why not and as for Dragon’s Breath…”
He couldn’t stop laughing, so I guess I musta done something right. I didn’t think it was that funny though.
K.
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